Wednesday, 19 July 2017

Losing Baggage on the Journey

I've heard this many times as I began the journey this year.
Now, I see it to be true.
My circle has become miniscule, and that's even pushing it.
I don't blame anyone, or myself.
In many instances, I cannot take the drain of certain people and their personalities.
When I quit giving into having negative conversations or gossiping and trying to steer the conversations into something completely different, well, they drifted away.
Then, there are the people who just quit answering me as well. I suppose my change in focus, and the way I am choosing to persue life rubs them the wrong way too.
I cannot say that it still doesn't hurt.

I don't have the energy for trying to make people like me anymore, or interact with me when they don't want to. I cannot do my 'duties' as an indie author to try and draw in readers when they are not interested. And honestly, it makes me cringe thinking about what I'm supposed to do as an indie author. It's not me to spend hours begging anyone to give me a chance. My skin crawls when I'm told that I should be promoting myself all day long.
I'd actually rather have people around me, talking to me, messaging me, because they want to know me...then be curious to read my books.
So, I am a freak in that realm as well.

Granted, my husband and I have grown closer.
We are doing much more together. Unplugging, getting away from the drains and pains of social media and the people we decided that we just don't want to be around just to listen to hours of endless complaining and whining about the same topics over and over again.
It goes both ways.

Most noticeably, my work has dwindled.
Now, I'm not complaining about that.
I have been trying to figure out how to transistion and quit that work for years.
I am burned out, and every job, no matter how small or large, induces a little panic and anxiety in my chest. I once thought, that I could bridge it by the sale of my books.
Can we giggle here?
I was duped after the release of my first book, thinking it would get better.
Tiny tip, aspiring indie authors, you will be lucky to clear $20 to $100 a month. 
So, we know that's not a big money maker for me.
But, I know I will always continue to write my books and publish them.
I also reached out about a few other local opportunities, but no one ever got back to me.
That's the downfall of being able to see when your messages have been read now days, LOL.

I will admit it.
Right now, it's a lonely life.

I'm not even really trying to say that things are going wrong right now, but I definitely see changes.
I have become enamoured with leaving for days on end to lose ourselves in the mountains with almost no contact with the world beyond it.
I love having free time to read voraciously and work on my inner self.
I love that I still am capable of having my daily gym time.
Cooking and exploring new ways to cook and experimenting with an ethnic around the world  recipe book makes my tastebuds and tummy sing.

I am striving to be patient, put the best energy that I can out there, and search for the positive.
I am hoping that in those shifts, the type of people that I most want to be like, I attract.
I am hoping that my path to making money is revealed in a source that I have passion and joy for.
Yes, I'm still hoping to make real money from my writing. I just can't put that one to bed.
All in all, I am just trying to be me.
I ramble. I have shifts in mood, just like everyone, and may have a bad day.
I am not trying to impress, just posting what I feel where I want.
I am emptying negative and heavy baggage along the walk.

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