Monday, 14 August 2017

The newest epic read, or listen?

I laughed out loud so much during her read.
People in the gym would stop me just to ask what had me laughing and grinning so much. 

Today, I finished my car.
That has significance as the last chapter goes.
That last chapter was titled The Robots Will Kill Us All: A Conclusion.

It's both funny and sad, because everything she said was true.
This article from Acculturated sums that chapter up perfectly, with great excerpts.

It hit me deep, maybe because we have been enjoying unplugging so much.
Perhaps, it's all the ugliness that I see on social media lately.
I find myself logging out of apps that used to be constantly turned on with notifications popping up all day which I eagerly checked. All. Day. Long.
Not so much anymore.

It's bad enough that I am chained to a job that I hate through the phone, texts, and emails where they can find me 24/7. My body goes into anxiety and panic mode each time that flat rectangle vibrates. The past few weeks, I fight back the urge to vomit.
Well, yes, this is an indication that I probably need to cut it.
After almost 26 years, I am completely fried.
Why don't I?
It's the part of me that's grateful. As, I've spouted so many times before: I get to work from home. I don't have to battle a commute. 
Just as I was typing that, the haunting vibration just happened, and yet, another email arrived changing how they want things done for the ump-teenth time in the past two weeks.
I'm too old to have things change every seven days, or so, and have to redo work, over, and over, and over, and over...

I am longing for other loves.
To live life.
I'm tired of being stuck behind this screen on my ass, until it becomes numb, hurting because everything is 'rush', 'we need it now', 'it's due tomorrow.'
I have cancelled appointment upon appointment because I am stuck with looming deadlines, panic, and dread of not completing the ever changing, so never completed projects.

I really need to make decisions.
Everything I read says take the plunge. Go with your gut. The things you want are on their way.

Plus, I would just like to have time to sweep the floors and walk outside lately.

To jump or not.

Thursday, 3 August 2017

Weird Eats

I think I am transitioning to a mostly vegan eating style.
I say mostly because I still have a little dairy, honey, and often don't realize what some things contain until after I have eaten them.

I told you I've been highly emotional and sensitive.
This is part of it I guess.
I also find I am having weird cravings.


This is grits with sauteed kale and seasonings.

Chickpeas, carrots, tomato, jalapeno, kale and salsa and a little nutritional yeast.
I ate some on a green hatch chile tortilla.

I was hungry obviously.
This is a Beast Burger from Beyond Meat with a slice of melted Daiya Cheese over greens, tomatos, a little pickle.
I made a 'dressing' from Veganaise and whole grain mustard.
I know it looks gross, but it actually was super tasty.

And I know it seems carb heavy, but I've actually lost pounds...
and have been going to the gym less.
Honestly, I have lost a ton of motivation for lifting right now.
I have found that I am enjoying trying to jump rope more than a minute at a time, and I am enjoying the outdoors because before I know it, winter will be here again.

Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Learning hard lessons and hiking

More overly, broken trust from people you have trusted and confided in for years.
Has this happened to you?
I'm having a hard time, feeling, accepting, and letting it go and pass.
In "The Art of Happiness", the Dhali Lama says we feel anger and betrayal because we take things too personally instead of anyalyzing all sides and aspects, even presumed aspects and thinking rationally about it.
Believe me, I am trying to do that, but I still hold resentment.
And I admit, I take everything personally.

But it's been happening more frequently.
Lessons learned.
Perhaps it's because I just shouldn't have a vent session, and just maybe it's teaching me to keep my yap shut all of the time.
That's what journals are for, right?

See, I like my blog.
No one really reads it, which means I don't get comments.
This is why I post so much random rambling.

Now, for some fun stuff.
On outings, we've been passing lots of the Fourteeners.
I admit, they've caught my attention.
A teeny part of me keeps asking, "Why not?"
The larger part of me answers.
"Because you get winded climbing up the hill the three blocks to get your mail."
"Because when you have tried minor mountain hikes, you slip, fall, and gasp for air like you just ran an eight minute mile."
However, it hasn't stopped me from doing a few internet searches about the different ones around Colorado. IF I were to attempt one, I have not doubt it would be next year.
Even then, I doubt it.
Maybe I could just find some nice easy hikes for the old lady who kind of wants to give it a go.
Gosh knows, there's allegedly enough of them around.

Wednesday, 26 July 2017

You can't pass up good lighting...and other rambles.

I happened to be in the perfect spot at the gym jumping rope and noticed it.
Damn, I looked like I had muscles showing in the mirror.
So, of course, I had to go get my phone to snap a selfie.
I actually looked like I had some delt action going on.
If I could just stand in that spot all day...
I did step on the scale this morning and I have lost a few pounds.

I keep hearing about and reading about jackfruit and its amazing uses in food.
I looked for it a few times at the grocery stores around me, but had never seen it - even the canned version. Imagine my surprise when I was running in and found this.
It's not bad. At first I was a little taken aback when I opened it.
They aren't kidding when they say it's aromatic.
I was hesitant to taste it the aroma was so strong, but I put a 1/2 cup (suggested serving) over a 1/2 cup brown rice and warmed it up.
It's spicy, and the texture and taste definitely grew on me.
Now, the package looks small and cost $5.99 here, however, I did get 3 servings from it.
Would I buy it again?
Yeah, probably so. I would be interested if they put out other flavors.
Curry was the only one available at this grocery.

Let me let you in on this thing that's been happening on my journey this year.
I have become highly sensitive and emotional.
I notice scents, sounds, softness of fabrics even more.
Even though I have been pretty happy, I tend to cry at the drop of a hat.
Even funny  things make me cry.
My heart aches more at sad stories or pictures of dogs that need homes.
I mean, I cried at a meme of a hilarious dog shaming photo.
Now, I've heard this happens as one deepens their path of self-discovery, and I honestly thought it was a bunch of horse 💩
However, I may be reconsidering that assumption, lol.

I also find that I am craving more unplugged time and adventures.
I just want to hike, write, take beautiful pictures - okay, hubs takes the really beautiful photos.
I think we're both getting used to taking those four days every few weeks, driving away, pitching our cot tent and just wandering, sitting, talking...

Can I get paid for that?

Friday, 21 July 2017

And there it is...

We can now laugh at that.

I mean, in all honesty, it turned out better than it could.
What you ask?
Well, let me fill you in on my morning. 

I was going about my usual routine.
Coffee morning ritual with my pup.
You know, coffee on one side.
 This on the other, right in my face.
Then, got ready to go to the gym.
I walk out my front door, and a guy is in my yard - from across the street.
He's picking up all sorts of stuff.
I thought, "Oh great, a bear got into someone's garbage."
Nope, not that lucky.
He begins to tell me to check my vehicles.
Seems people decided to hit our tiny, rural, street last night.
If your car was unlocked, which uh, no one locks there car here, they hit it.
So, yeah, they went through mine, opened everything, scattered all of my gym stuff, but took nothing.
I mean, all that loose change was still just sitting in the cup holder.
Checked the other vehicle which was locked, but had all of our camping stuff still just sitting outside of it, along with tools just sitting on the side of our other old work truck.

So, he brought me some of the stuff that was in my yard to make sure none of it was mine.
So, we're talking, and I begin to go to the neighbor's to bring her stuff to her. 
Horrible way to start neighbors mornings.
And thus began my walk down the street.
If someone was coming outside, I told them to check their cars, and so it went.
Then, I saw random cars with the doors open and stuff next to them.
Then, I would go knock and fill them in on what had happened.
We all talked because many of them have lived here over 40 years and have never experienced anything like this happening.
We think it was kids.
I mean, there were Vans sneaker prints by every vehicle.
Our yards and roads are decomposed granite, what we like to call 'cat litter' dirt.

Then, I came home to call the cops to make them aware.
They told me they had received several reports, and some people had had stuff stolen.

I guess I made out okay.
Nothing stolen.
Nothing really damaged.
Met more of my neighbors.
Just sad, and a little mad, that I feel slightly less safe now in our secluded paradise.

Then, this popped up, and I think the universe is talking to me again.

Wednesday, 19 July 2017

Losing Baggage on the Journey

I've heard this many times as I began the journey this year.
Now, I see it to be true.
My circle has become miniscule, and that's even pushing it.
I don't blame anyone, or myself.
In many instances, I cannot take the drain of certain people and their personalities.
When I quit giving into having negative conversations or gossiping and trying to steer the conversations into something completely different, well, they drifted away.
Then, there are the people who just quit answering me as well. I suppose my change in focus, and the way I am choosing to persue life rubs them the wrong way too.
I cannot say that it still doesn't hurt.

I don't have the energy for trying to make people like me anymore, or interact with me when they don't want to. I cannot do my 'duties' as an indie author to try and draw in readers when they are not interested. And honestly, it makes me cringe thinking about what I'm supposed to do as an indie author. It's not me to spend hours begging anyone to give me a chance. My skin crawls when I'm told that I should be promoting myself all day long.
I'd actually rather have people around me, talking to me, messaging me, because they want to know me...then be curious to read my books.
So, I am a freak in that realm as well.

Granted, my husband and I have grown closer.
We are doing much more together. Unplugging, getting away from the drains and pains of social media and the people we decided that we just don't want to be around just to listen to hours of endless complaining and whining about the same topics over and over again.
It goes both ways.

Most noticeably, my work has dwindled.
Now, I'm not complaining about that.
I have been trying to figure out how to transistion and quit that work for years.
I am burned out, and every job, no matter how small or large, induces a little panic and anxiety in my chest. I once thought, that I could bridge it by the sale of my books.
Can we giggle here?
I was duped after the release of my first book, thinking it would get better.
Tiny tip, aspiring indie authors, you will be lucky to clear $20 to $100 a month. 
So, we know that's not a big money maker for me.
But, I know I will always continue to write my books and publish them.
I also reached out about a few other local opportunities, but no one ever got back to me.
That's the downfall of being able to see when your messages have been read now days, LOL.

I will admit it.
Right now, it's a lonely life.

I'm not even really trying to say that things are going wrong right now, but I definitely see changes.
I have become enamoured with leaving for days on end to lose ourselves in the mountains with almost no contact with the world beyond it.
I love having free time to read voraciously and work on my inner self.
I love that I still am capable of having my daily gym time.
Cooking and exploring new ways to cook and experimenting with an ethnic around the world  recipe book makes my tastebuds and tummy sing.

I am striving to be patient, put the best energy that I can out there, and search for the positive.
I am hoping that in those shifts, the type of people that I most want to be like, I attract.
I am hoping that my path to making money is revealed in a source that I have passion and joy for.
Yes, I'm still hoping to make real money from my writing. I just can't put that one to bed.
All in all, I am just trying to be me.
I ramble. I have shifts in mood, just like everyone, and may have a bad day.
I am not trying to impress, just posting what I feel where I want.
I am emptying negative and heavy baggage along the walk.

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

Weekend in Pictures

We decided to get away again...and unplug.
I just want to say that I am enjoying it more and more.
Believe me I LOVE our home, however, I feel more chained to my email, social media and such.
I am trying to learn to ignore it more.
Afterall, I get to pick and choose my work, so I shouldn't be worried about constantly checking everything. Hell, things waited before I had internet; they can again for sure.
The world will not end. 

I have discovered that I have a great admiration for trail runners.
I can barely walk these one foot wide paths that drop off, riddled with rocks. I have no idea how they run it! Especially downhill! I was slipping and sliding all over with my spastic self.
I am getting better at crossing log "bridges" without falling on my ass.
Anyway, I give you the pictures.

 We did take a part of one day and head to historic Leadville to wander about. We didn't stay long, but it was cute, and I'm sure we'll pop into town again in the future.

 My reading for the weekend.
I have never seen the movie, but have heard wonderful things about the book.
I've enjoyed it.

 Someone else had a great time too.
This was at another campsite. I had to take a pic.
I was cracking up!
Go them!
I'm sure they had a fantastic weekend.

Monday, 10 July 2017

A deep thought, a silly thought, some food talk, and always pics!

I have always had this admiration, and wonder, for people who are so secure in themselves and can be outlandish, crazy, and free...and not worry about what people think. How amazing is that?
Here I am, 44, and it still nags me that I do care.
Even as I have been trying to work through that, the faint negative voice creeps into my head questioning everything I put on, the way I cut my hair, the way my body looks, my face, the wrinkles.

Hey, Jen, I wonder. What does that person reading the ingredients on the side of the chip bag think of you today?
Yeah, they're thinking you're a freak too old to be wearing that.

Yet, I also want to make connections with people, true, deep, heart felt connections.
You can't do that if you're worrying about impressing a person and not being your real self.

See, rationally, I know it, but I can't stop the feelings.
I'm trying, though, really hard, and have to quit hiding the parts of me that I am afraid will make people change their thoughts about me. If they do, then I have to learn to deal with it.

And...well, I have to learn to love the parts of myself that I dislike.
Damn, this is getting too deep! 😁
We'll save more of those ramblings for another time!

Instead, let me show you a picture of the smilie face rips I saw first thing this morning on my doggie's sheet. 
Must be a sign!
Just keep smiling.

Here is my Refrigerator Tetris after loads of food prep for two yesterday.
I kind of went crazy cooking a huge pot of dried chick peas and another of black beans. There's also lots of fresh greens wrapped in the towels and plastic bags after their washing, along with tons of other fresh fruit and veg. Teas and infused waters too.
I have been into making veggie bowls.
This one had beans that I cooked with garlic, kale, jalapenos.
Then I added some chopped grape tomatoes and avocado.
I topped it off with a vegan cheese sauce that I made. The base is with carrots and cauliflower, no cashews. It was super easy to make, and it makes a good bit.
I have previously blogged about that cheese sauce and the link for the recipe can be found here.

And since we're going to be getting more real and down and dirty, I leave you with a dressing room pic. We all know that lighting tells the truth and makes you feel like a big blob of dough.
No? Just me then?
As you can see, I have been abusing my body, and not just the bruises from my outdoor craziness.
I am well aware that I am no longer slim, trim, nor have any visible muscle.
I am back to my pear shape with the cottage cheese on my thighs and ass.
I am not comforted by it, but there it is.
No cunty or dickish comments would be greatly appreciated.
You can tell from the look on my face, I already know it folks.
But, I'm going to try and embrace where I'm at, show myself some love, and try to get back to taking better care of myself.

Friday, 7 July 2017

Friday Feelings...

Classified Ad - Searching for my tribe. 😂
Feel free to join us...if you dare. 😈
My followers & readers are a small group but loyal and true. Thank gosh they accept me for all of my conglomerations. I admit that I am, well, different. 😜 I thank you and love you for accepting my fitness, burlesque, Pervy writing, searching for my inner love and light, exploring and teaching what I have learned in a "Kink" lifestyle through blogging & writing, same with health & fitness...and supporting all of my endeavors. I wouldn't continue without you. 
I know it seems like these would contradict, but I feel the perfect melding of everything. peace ✌ love 💖 light 🌅

And a song for the day.

Thursday, 6 July 2017

Always food talk.

I am not saying that I am becoming vegan, however, I am implementing more vegan recipes into my daily meals. Let's face it, the increase in fresh fruits, vegetables, seeds and nuts are not going to hurt anything. I have found it easier to go without meat the past week, even for our Fourth Grilling, but I have yet to ditch the eggs, cheese, or honey yet.
And honestly, I probably won't ditch my local honey. I use it to help with the allergies induced since we moved here, and I would rather do that than actual meds. But I won't say never.
Here is a breakfast that I have been digging.

1/2 cup old fashioned oats
1/2 Tablespoon chia seeds
1/2 Tablespoon flax seeds
1/2 Tablespoon hemp seeds
1/4 sliced banana
All Spice

Then, I just pour water from my tea kettle over it. Cover the bowl with a plate for about five to ten minutes...Done.

This picture was taken before I added the water.
So, we'll see how it goes!

We may take more trips into the mountains while the weather is nice, which means lots of unplugging. Not completely, as we do play music where we camp and I use my phone for the camera. But internet and cell service is zilch on those days and nights.
Perhaps more picture posts which means more Slick.

I know it's silly, but I have an attachment to my little Slick.

Here he is helping me mail out signed books, swag, book promo stuff and little thank you notes to readers. We were having a kale and fruit smoothing that morning before heading to the gym and post office.
Hell, I dont' have anyone else to talk to during the day 😁
Well, besides my furry heart...
Although he kind of wants to eat Slick.
He was upset here.
He had dug a hole, rolled in dirt, and just had an evil bath where he had to sit on the deck for a about twenty minutes, lol.
This may be why I have been hanging at the gym slightly longer in the morning to chat with the more than accomodating sixy and seventy year olds. 
I have reached out to a few people closer to where I live, but it's just not working out in that arena.
Oh well, it will work out.
At least, in between a few contract jobs, it allows me more time to do work that needs to be done around the house and property. Guess it balances out.

Thursday, 29 June 2017

Still Crotch Deep in Inspiring and Self-Love Reading!

As you all know, I'm am still on my inspirational reading kick!
I only downloaded Amanda Palmer's The Art of Asking yesterday, yet, I can't seem to turn it off.

From the first chapter when she exclaimed, "Who's got a tampon? I just got my period!" I was hooked. Now, I've always been a fan of the Dresden Dolls. I saw her Ted Talk about the Art of Asking. I'm not quite sure why it took me so long to get to her book.
I consider myself an artist.
I've always painted, sewn, drawn, danced, played guitar, maybe this is why her words just hit me, and I am so sucked in by this story.
Rather, I should say her many stories.
As she goes through her life, including her time stripping, I found myself relating to her on higher levels. We all just want to be seen, have intimacy, have our work recognized by someone, anyone.

And honestly, her words and struggles and outlook, just make me want to become a successful novelist even more - plus, the hundred other goals that I have in mind. 
Plus, there is music sprinkled throughout as well on the audiobook which is just a bonus.

This one definitely makes my list of books one should read if you're on the journey of self-love.
You should also check out my previous posts for some of the other wonderful books that will change your outlook too. 
And one of my absolute favorites You Are a BadAss

Since we're on a book note, I found that I often get asked in blog interviews or just through messages what it is that I hope to convey in my writing to my readers. Now granted, we know I write erotic romance. Many people would wonder if there is even a story line much less a message in those novels.  Well, I'm here to tell you that there is, at least in my books.

It's taken me almost three years to come up with an answer that I think rings true, and here it is:

I find that I take people's issues, that can be yours or mine, propelling the reader on a journey of self-exploration and perhaps healing. I have a gola to hopefully make people consider other thought patterns about live, love, sexuality. I would love to tear down the shame and guilt that many feel for their desired life. I believe if it's not hurting anyone else, and both people consent, what is done between those people in love is not wrong and they should not feel shame for their acts with each other. 
oxo JLE
Feel free to puruse my collection here.

Monday, 26 June 2017

30 Days of Gratitude, Splits, Pushups, and Abs

I figured it's time for a recharge.
A positive frame of mind reboot.
A Facebook/Instagram friend and I were talking and have decided to do another 30 Days of Gratitude Challenge.We had a list of people signed up. The best part is they don't have to do anything if they don't want to. N and I are going to do a daily Gratitude/Positive/Inspirational/Funny or Happy post and just tag them so that they can read it and receive a little joy or smile.
You are more than welcome to follow along with us on Instagram (@jenniferlassalleedwards) or if you follow me on Facebook. 
We will be beginning on July 1st.

Now, these other 30 Day Challenges I began today, and no one else is following along.
I found the past few years I have completely neglected a stretching routine. My body is screaming about it now. No kidding, my flexibility is nonexistent again.
I am unable to do anything I was once able to do when competing.
I was searching for a nice stretching routine when I came across this one.
The instructions can be found here.
I can tell you that I felt it and could not even straighten my left leg and bend down, lol. 
While I was at it, I also decided to add these two 30 Day Challenges as well.

All three I have decided to add after I am done my workout.
So, I do my run/walk, my lifting, then the pushups, abs, and stretching.

I am dubbing this 30 Days of Challenges for my body and mind. 

Friday, 23 June 2017

There must be a reason and another destination

This is what I am telling myself, but I still can't help but feel disappointment and tears.

I had been in contact with a rather large domestic violence charity/shelter for about two months corresponding back and forth. I had proposed that I donate half of my sales from Ripped and Twisted to them since I receive a good bit of feedback about my heroine's escape from her horrific situation and how she has found a new life, and how readers relate to the story in themselves. However, I did tell them the book was erotic and had BDSM influences.
Hence, they began talking about it up the chain of command, which I completely understand.
I told them from the beginning that I also understood if they declined because of the conotation involved with an author of my genre.
Finally, they declined saying that the 50 Shades arguments involved with all of the domestic violence groups made them not want an association with it.
I told them that I completely understood, and we agreed that perhaps we could find some other resolution to help.

So, imagine my surprise, no shock, when I found out that they had agreed to be the receiving charity, with their name included in the promo and advertising, for a HUGE book event here.
I mean this event is massive!
And 99% erotica and BDSM and kink authors.
I know it was not personal, but I still feel the rejection.
I guess they changed their mind, and that is their right in all ways.
I still have a sad face going on.

Trying to turn my disappointment into a better feeling, I have begun contacting smaller charities and shelters that help those affectd by domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking and other relationship voilence, to see if they may want my meager donations. This is how you strive to find the bright side, right? I will keep repeating that this was not the fit for me, and the universe is pointing me in another direction. I will just have faith that what is meant to be will eventually work out.
I just never knew trying to help or do good deeds was actually this difficult!

I'm glad they will generate a great deal of money for them next month.
I'm glad that many women and children will benefit from the generosity of  the erotic/romance readers, writers, supporters.

Now, I will refocus and hope that what is in alignment for my future will come forth.

Tuesday, 20 June 2017

A long unplugged weekend...with Slick

It was nice to get away, well, two hours away.
We unplugged and got down and dirty.
No cell service.
No internet.
Camp fire cooking.
Getting inspired again.
Reading...real paperbacks.