Monday, 30 November 2015

Thankful again.

Now, I'm not so sure about that, but today it sure seems like it.
Let's just say that there have been some difficult life happenings raining down on the family.
Today, especially, is a rough day.
The next week will be as well.
Really, only family is in the know.

However, today, I have been graced with messages and phone calls from friends who have no clue that I may have needed a little cheering up.
Random, but so welcome.
These calls and messages have kept my mind busy, relieved some anxiety, and just have made me smile.

I am thankful for these people who somehow just knew that today was a good day to chat with me.

Also, I cherish those in my life.
I may not always show it, but every single person, whether we talk daily or once every six months, means a mountain to me. I have to begin making the time to let them know.
I want to make sure that everyone knows that they hold a special place in my heart.
In the next week, I will be seeing family that I have not seen in years.
Wrong of me, but it happens.
We get busy.
We put things off.
We think there will always be enough time.

If you will, hug a loved one, or even a liked one.
Everyone is special.
And appreciated.

Thursday, 26 November 2015

Thankful and Grateful

I am.
I am thankful that I have the ability to move, to walk, to write, to do almost anything that I set my mind to if I desire it.
I am grateful for those around me who put up with my insanity, my ramblings, my filthy mouth and writings, my drunken texts and messages, my complaining, and so much more.
I am grateful for my sore body when I workout.
I am thankful to have been provided tools by a magnificent coach - who I should keep in better touch with and utilize and make appointments with.
I should make the choice to follow these tools and plans all of the time, lol.

I am grateful that if I put my mind back to it, I can achieve the aesthetic that I had last year and could maintain it. I made some bad choices. I am grateful that I have choices.

I am thankful and grateful for a partner who accepts me for who I am, faults, craziness, exhibitionism, and all. He does not judge me or throw my faults and failures in my face.
He makes me laugh when I'm blue.
He dances with me in the aisles of the grocery store to muzak, doesn't matter who is around us.
He's a good guy. 

I guess I just wanted to announce my thanks this year.

Thursday, 19 November 2015

Taking it to the snow...

It's been cold.
It's snowed.
My boy there has had too much pent up energy and been destroying things in the house.
I took him with me to the gym, then to run a few errands.
Since I was out, I decided to detour by one of the open spaces that usually has mountain biking, hiking, cross country skiing, and just all sorts of options.
I had on my snow boots anyway since I had to wear them to and from the gym.
I let him frolic.
Unfortunately, I gave out before him.
He's strong and quick for a ten year old pup. 
He was a little pissed when I made him turn around to hike back to the car.
Sorry, dude, but mommy doesn't like trudging through where the snow is high enough to keep getting inside my snow boots. I'm not super coordinated either, so I kept slipping on some of the steep areas.
I think Fitbit should give one extra steps or calories for hiking in snow up and down hills in twenty degree weather trying to keep from face planting with a running dog.
But, yeah, I'll do it again and again...because even though all of that sounded like complaining, I had fun.

Sunday, 15 November 2015

Honesty. Self-Love. Self-Hate. Progressing Forward.

I think I am not alone when I say that I have a love/hate relationship with myself.
I have been doing much reflection lately on why have not been reaching my goals and basically self-sabotaging myself after every turn.
I mean, you guys remember when I got this last year, right?
It's an ongoing battle.

I realize that I am doing the negative portions of all of the following statements.

I am also trying to figure out what changed over the past year to have made me not like myself as much as I used to be happy with myself. I do not like being in this mindset.
I do not believe it all has to do with the little bit of weight gain that I have had.
Something is irking me, but I'm not quite sure what it may be.
Well, there is one thing that I never fully dealt with, but that's another story.
Let's just say that I recognize it: the fact that I had one experience that I faced as if it were no big deal when in actuality, it crushed a part of me.
I know that I have allowed it to affect many portions of my life lately, including relationships with friends and family.
It is not their fault or their feelings to deal with either, just mine.
And that's life.

I only share these things with you lately because as much as I used to share the happy, silly, and all that was going well, I don't want anyone who reads this to think that I don't struggle along from time to time. Sometimes, we struggle more than other periods.

So, as I have been reflecting and pondering so much the past few weeks, I know that my old habits have changed. I have become complacent, negative, and have not tried to take steps to change that.
I thought back to the "rituals", if you will, of my daily life last year and the year before.
I have quit all of them.

I used to really enjoy this:
Every morning I used to wake up, make my protein pancakes and coffee. I would get all comfy back in bed with both and peruse pinterest looking at positive quotes. Then, I would pull out my box of colored pencils and write down whatever struck me, a quote, something that I was grateful for, something funny, anything that put a smile on my face. Sometimes I would doodle, and then journal a wee bit. It did not have to be a long diatribe, just whatever was on my mind, be it silly or serious.
For some reason, that always started my day off happy.

So, for today, I have dug out my colored pencils, a journal, and have decided to begin that habit once again. I will food prep too this week. I had fallen back into the rut of not eating much during the day, or grabbing junk when I felt hungry. 

Those are two things I am going to begin again.
Two steps to the path of self-care and trying to love myself again. 
Little steps forward.
That's what we call progress.

Then, I can give you the fun, nerdy, silly posts again that I hope we all enjoy.
Like, perhaps I will break down and give you a 'now' pic, fat ass and all. 

Thursday, 12 November 2015


Don't you think that we all have them?
No matter how big, small, scary, or funny, I believe we all carry little parts of us that will never be revealed throughout our lifetime to anyone but our inner dialogue.
Many like to claim that they are an open book, that they put it all out there.
I somehow cannot believe that.
I do both. I like to say that I put it all out there, and to an extent, do share parts of my life that many would never think of doing so with others. But I know there are so many secrets tucked away in little dark holes within me, that no one will ever know the complete me.

I can't be alone in this thinking.
At times, I would love to spill everything.
Confess all of the parts of me that are faulted, evil, will never be perfect...
And as much at I tout that other peoples' opinions don't matter, I know that I fear being judged.

In part, I do like to put up a barrier between myself and others.
Truly, I never let anyone in too close, deep.
I suppose that is pitiful. I have always kept family, friends, acquaintances at certain distances, never talking about what may be irritating me, haunting me, or afflicting me.
I also know that many of these relationships suffer because of it.

It is nice to think that we could all be honest with each other and not have bonds affected by those truths, feelings, revelations. But we all know that will never happen.

Here lies one reason why I am always hesitant to give advice to people when I am asked.
How can I help you when my own head and feelings are so screwed up at times?
I just hide my crazy better than others.

It's okay though. 
We all do it, don't we?

Monday, 9 November 2015

Crud and complete fitness fails.

Last week I fought the crud.
Fever, body aches, chills, stopped up head.
One morning I thought I felt better, so I hit the gym.
A few hours later, I was down for the count.
Needless to say, last week was a bust.

This weekend, I felt better.
I did not hit the gym, but spent one day moving logs from some trees that we had cut down.
Yesterday, we ran errands and went on our once every three month Wal-mart trip, lol, among other stores. We have a mix store that carries Ag & Tac supplies, farm equipment, rows upon rows of cowboy boots, and of course, clothing. I picked up two new pair of jeans marked down from $80 to $10. Score. Unfortunately, these jeans are a size up from what I normally wear. I guess that I am on a Fitness Fail right now. 

I did go back to the gym today. Before my little bout with the sickness, I still was going five days a week. However, I completely admit that my food has been garbage. Sadly, I know what I need to do and eat. I just don't have the desire to do it. The fall winter mix has given me the blahs. I just want warm, carb-laden, creamy, thick meals. I need a swift kick in the rear. Anyone want to do that?

Monday, 2 November 2015

Fitbit Flex

The husband and I have a wacky tradition.
We both LOVE Halloween. When we were first married he gave me my first Great Pumpkin gift.
The tradition stuck, and every year, we exchange a little Great Pumpkin gift.
Well, usually it's little.
This year, on his own because I have never said that I wanted one, but had heard about them.
He works with people who have them, so he thought I'd like it.
Yep, he got me the fitbit flex.

I have to admit that it's really fun. I find myself checking the app on my phone constantly to see where I am at with steps. I have not yet tried logging in a workout. I should have done it while I was at the gym this morning. Maybe I will go back and log in what I remember, lol.
Anyway, it's really nifty. I added a few friends through facebook, and we can compete with each other...Not that I would do anything like that!
I guess I made this post just to share my newest little gadget.
Hopefully, it is an implement to help keep me on track for my newest shallow goal!